Unihow? The Single Reason for Unibrows

Where do unibrows come from? We see them from time to time. I used to think of it as an age thing. A brow above the right eye and a brow above the left eye, attacted to each other in a moment of passionate love embrace....then get stuck because their hips went out and they just kinda stay there 'cause they don't have Life Alert, sprawled above the bridge of the nose for the world to see. But it can't be an age thing because young'uns have unibrows too. Young'uns don't have hips that go out....so why in the world do unibrows exist? Well, friends, have no fear because I'm here to tell you.

Have you ever noticed that a unibrow often looks like a caterpillar? Have you? HAVE YOU?! Sorry....got a little too intense there. I sometimes get like that when I talk about lepidoptera larvae...IT PUMPS ME UP, MAN!! Anyway, it's fitting that it looks that way...and while the unibrow may look like a caterpillar, it actually has much more in common with what the caterpillar turns into - a butterfly.

How so you ask? What a dumb question. Isn't it obvious? The beauty is the same. The elegance is the same. The usage of their likeness on little girl backpacks is the same.........well it should be. If you have a daughter, get her a unibrow backpack. She'll thank you when she's older.

As a matter of fact, butterflies are actually named after unibrows. It's true. I'll prove it. Butterfly is made up of two words; butter and fly. I'll explain the butter part in a second. We'll start with the word fly...I'll just be blunt. Fly stands for being high. Higher than Andre the Giant on stilts atop Mount Everest. 

Butter is a bit more complicated. You see, "butter" is street lingo for getting drunk. What? You've never heard of that? Well you ain't got my street cred, so back off, yo. All the peeps on the streets be usin' that term. Let me explain, fam. 

Land O' Lakes butter is the most gangsta butter of all the brands. By far. There's not even a contest. If Land O' Lakes butter wore pants, you'd be able to read the entire first chapter of Moby Dick on their boxer shorts....that's how low those pants would be sagging, and there'd still be space left. That's some gangsta ghee right there. 

And what makes Land O' Lakes so recognizable? Yup, the friendly-looking Native American lady on the front. She kinda looks like the Native Americans that you see running casinos. Smiling, making you feel welcome, luring you in to play several games of chance in an effort to win money....like slots, poker, and blackjack. What's the goal in blackjack, by the way? To hit 21?.....Like the legal drinking age for kids in the United States? Butter stands for getting drunk....starting to make sense now?

So we know that butterflies were named after unibrows because of the obvious similarities in attractiveness as well as the fact that the name stands for drunk and high. But where does drunk and high come in and what does that have to do with unibrows? Well, that's pretty simple, but not quite what you may expect. When someone is high, they get really mellow. When are people at their most mellow? In their sleep, of course....and here's where the magic happens. 

Everyone on this planet is technically at one, big drinking party hosted by Mother Nature - the cool mom that let the party happen at her house. The people with unibrows fell asleep during that party. What happens to people that fall asleep during drinking parties? They get drawn on. With Mother Nature being the host, she did the honors...Except instead of a Sharpie, she used hair...The next thing you know, we've got folks running around with unibrows. 

So now you know where unibrows originate from. You also know that you probably should watch your intake of alcohol because you never know what could happen to you....you may end up with a new facial feature that matches the design on your daughter's backpack.

Not a Straight Stripe on 'Em

Zebras are gay. You know it, I know it. Honestly, is there any reason for me to write a blog about this topic? I dunno, but I’ll write one anyway. So yeah, zebras are gay...So what? They’re not hurting anyone with their alternative lifestyles, so why in the world would I be writing about these equeerstrians? Because they refuse to admit their homosexuality, that’s why.

If you ask them if they’re gay, they won’t say ‘yes’ no matter how many times you ask...And yet they have no problem throwing out hints that they’re gay at every waking moment. I mean seriously, zebras don’t promote anything, but they’ll promote Fruit Stripe gum?

FRUIT Stripe gum? Gay, but they’ll never admit it. This is what makes me mad...Nobody cares if zebras are gay, so why are they hiding it? Just be honest with us, you stupid, striped stupids!

Now, some folks may be reading this right now and thinking, “This guy is full of it. Zebras aren’t gay. A gum package is his only proof?” No, jerk. I have more proof...Like their stripes. I have never seen a straight stripe on the body of a zebra in my entire life. Have you? They’re always all jagged and odd-looking. What a surprise. Afterall, another word for 'odd' is 'queer.' Hmmm...makes you think, eh? 

I've got more proof for you, too. Sticking with the stripes, it’s a little known fact that the stripes of a zebra actually form a magic eye picture. If you shove your face into the side of a zebra, cross your eyes, and then slowly pull your face back, an image of Richard Simmons pops out at you. 

True story. Try it the next time you’re at the zoo and discover that I am correct. Still not enough proof for you? Well, then strap on your thinking caps, ‘cause I’m about to get all smart on you.

Mathematics never lie, so to prove that zebras are gay, I’ve discovered a mathematical formula that will silence any and all doubters. Look at the word ‘zebra.’ This word tells you what the formula will be. The word ‘zebra’ stands for Z Equals BRA. A bra is a type of support...So, Z must then equal the supporting letters in the word zebra, which would be e, b, r, and a. And since they’re supporting letters, they’re adding support...Which means we’ll be adding. The end result is Z=E+B+R+A. Now, if you look at the alphabet and have A=1, B=2, C=3, etc....all the way down to Z, you’ll have the numbers you need for the formula. When you’re all done the end result should look like this...

26 = 5 + 2 + 18 + 1

After solving this equation, you’re left with the answer of 26 = 26. How does this prove that zebras are gay, you ask? Simple. Substitute the number 26 with male and/or female and you’ll begin to see what I mean. 

MALE=MALE
FEMALE=FEMALE
MALE≠FEMALE

Which one of those doesn’t work? That’s right. Male doesn’t equal female. The equals sign acts like a love tube connecting the same gender zebras together in their homosexual happiness. Did you notice that the ‘does not’ equal sign has that line through it? It prevents the male and female from connecting love tubes with one another, which clearly explains why the entire zebra population is gayer than San Francisco.

The numbers don’t lie, zebras, so just come out of the closet already, you stinkin’ cowards. Until zebras finally come out and admit what we are already know, we might as well grab some paint and color those stripes along their backs yellow. They need to embrace their homosexuality and just let it be known by everyone that they’re completely gay...Y’know, just like how baboons have...And I don't think I need to explain myself there.