Not a Straight Stripe on 'Em

Zebras are gay. You know it, I know it. Honestly, is there any reason for me to write a blog about this topic? I dunno, but I’ll write one anyway. So yeah, zebras are gay...So what? They’re not hurting anyone with their alternative lifestyles, so why in the world would I be writing about these equeerstrians? Because they refuse to admit their homosexuality, that’s why.

If you ask them if they’re gay, they won’t say ‘yes’ no matter how many times you ask...And yet they have no problem throwing out hints that they’re gay at every waking moment. I mean seriously, zebras don’t promote anything, but they’ll promote Fruit Stripe gum?

FRUIT Stripe gum? Gay, but they’ll never admit it. This is what makes me mad...Nobody cares if zebras are gay, so why are they hiding it? Just be honest with us, you stupid, striped stupids!

Now, some folks may be reading this right now and thinking, “This guy is full of it. Zebras aren’t gay. A gum package is his only proof?” No, jerk. I have more proof...Like their stripes. I have never seen a straight stripe on the body of a zebra in my entire life. Have you? They’re always all jagged and odd-looking. What a surprise. Afterall, another word for 'odd' is 'queer.' Hmmm...makes you think, eh? 

I've got more proof for you, too. Sticking with the stripes, it’s a little known fact that the stripes of a zebra actually form a magic eye picture. If you shove your face into the side of a zebra, cross your eyes, and then slowly pull your face back, an image of Richard Simmons pops out at you. 

True story. Try it the next time you’re at the zoo and discover that I am correct. Still not enough proof for you? Well, then strap on your thinking caps, ‘cause I’m about to get all smart on you.

Mathematics never lie, so to prove that zebras are gay, I’ve discovered a mathematical formula that will silence any and all doubters. Look at the word ‘zebra.’ This word tells you what the formula will be. The word ‘zebra’ stands for Z Equals BRA. A bra is a type of support...So, Z must then equal the supporting letters in the word zebra, which would be e, b, r, and a. And since they’re supporting letters, they’re adding support...Which means we’ll be adding. The end result is Z=E+B+R+A. Now, if you look at the alphabet and have A=1, B=2, C=3, etc....all the way down to Z, you’ll have the numbers you need for the formula. When you’re all done the end result should look like this...

26 = 5 + 2 + 18 + 1

After solving this equation, you’re left with the answer of 26 = 26. How does this prove that zebras are gay, you ask? Simple. Substitute the number 26 with male and/or female and you’ll begin to see what I mean. 

MALE=MALE
FEMALE=FEMALE
MALE≠FEMALE

Which one of those doesn’t work? That’s right. Male doesn’t equal female. The equals sign acts like a love tube connecting the same gender zebras together in their homosexual happiness. Did you notice that the ‘does not’ equal sign has that line through it? It prevents the male and female from connecting love tubes with one another, which clearly explains why the entire zebra population is gayer than San Francisco.

The numbers don’t lie, zebras, so just come out of the closet already, you stinkin’ cowards. Until zebras finally come out and admit what we are already know, we might as well grab some paint and color those stripes along their backs yellow. They need to embrace their homosexuality and just let it be known by everyone that they’re completely gay...Y’know, just like how baboons have...And I don't think I need to explain myself there.